woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
