Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
