a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
