guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
