i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
