I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
