Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
