I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
