hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
