Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
