I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
