Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
