Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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