So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
