After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
