I wish my penis had an off switch
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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