Plan B is the new Plan A
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
