I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
