Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
