Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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