The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Never joke about your clitoris.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
