he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
