The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
