omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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