im so drunk with asians
where?
always
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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