She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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