Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Congratulations! We have a period
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