so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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