I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My cat gives me a boner
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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