When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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