i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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