awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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