I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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