i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
