Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
50% drunk capacity currently
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
