Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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