I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
