everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
