my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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