It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's blow job season.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
