When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
