I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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