do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Bring me that man meat
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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