someone threw a dead crab at me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
