Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
