I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
