My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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