What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
