Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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