The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
our cab driver is having phone sex.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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