OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
