Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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