i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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