my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
