Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
im on a boat
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