Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
zippers are such a cool invention
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
organizing the empties. That sober.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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