i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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