Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
