I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
