i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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