Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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