Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm like, not good at living.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
