So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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